I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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