My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
