Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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