Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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