i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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