I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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