Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
