While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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