I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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