new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
being pregnant is like rehab
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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