gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
