Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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