did you get engaged???
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
