dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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