No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
