I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
