she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
