I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
