He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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