i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
