Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
