My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
