Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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