could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
