This is not my ceiling
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
