you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
