the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
