Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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