i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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