if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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