i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He passed out mid-signature
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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