I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize