Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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