one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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