been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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