it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
