I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize