i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
