he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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