I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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