Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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