You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
