im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We need to rekindle our bromance
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dicks are not precious.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
