Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
