Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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