It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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