The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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