phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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