My liver just broke up with me...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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