it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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