I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Randomize