ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
