I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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