We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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