So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
