so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
