oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
