I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
