I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Randomize
