My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
