turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize