Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
