I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
