woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
