So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
