it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dick very happy bro
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
