Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
