Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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