i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
