I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
