summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize